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My first diary here at Daily Kos was written about my dad. I miss him very much.
July 17, 2010 through July 17, 2011- What I refer to now as my year of "Firsts"; the first time we experienced the world without my father in it.
It wasn't a conscious effort on my part to mark the loss of my father this way- heck, for the first few weeks after his sudden death, I really didn't make a conscious effort to do much of anything! All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and make the pain go away. Funny thing, that guy I call my husband and those 2 underage humans I call my son and daughter wouldn't let me just fade away. My responsibility "overdrive" kicked in and I became Super Mom, Super Wife, Super Daughter and Super Sister all at once. No time for grief, you see, I have way too much to take care of: Sister has stage IV ovarian CA. I am her POA and take care of everything from doctors' appointments to bill paying for her. Mom has early onset dementia. I am her POA and take care of everything from doctors' appointments to bill paying for her. Husband works full time as a surgical assistant. I take care of everything from doctors' appointments to bill paying for him. Daughter is 15, son just turned 13....you get the idea. I take care of as much as I can in order not to feel as much as I can.
With all that said, this past year became my year of "Firsts" without me having to do much of anything. I began to notice that I was mentally checking things off just after school started. I was at my son's football game last August and it hit me-- this is the first time he would take the field without grandpa in the crowd cheering him on. Next came my beautiful daughter, her first year in high school, marching in her first half-time show at the Friday night high school game. Her first time playing her flute without grandpa being in the audience. I cried both times, but pulled it together enough to be there for both kids when they broke down. Then came the birthdays. Mom's birthday, my aunt's birthday, my daughter's, my husband's, my sister's, all came and went for the first time without my dad being a part of the celebrations. Next could be classified as some of the worst "Firsts"; the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas. Oh how I cried at Christmas! Dad used to call our house around 5:30 just to tease my son that there was a HUGE pile of presents sitting under the tree and he was going to start opening them if we didn't get there soon. My son would laugh and come running with the phone held out, grandpa on speaker, yelling that we had to leave immediately or else grandpa was going to open all the presents without us :-)
Next came my birthday. The best way to describe this "first" was empty. The pain was still so raw and fresh, like dad had left us 7 hours before instead of 7 months. This may sound silly to some, but the most painful thing for me was opening the card my mother had given me and reading through the beautiful words, only to find the words "Love, Mom"...no "Mom and Dad" this year; that was almost too much to bear.
My son's birthday came and he felt the loss of my father deeply that day. The first Easter came and went without much fanfare. Baseball season started up and there we were again; the first time beantown boy took the field I touched my husband's arm and the tears came again. Before I knew it, Memorial Day and then Father's Day snuck up on all of us. We went to the mausoleum on Memorial Day after beantown girl marched in the city's parade and we were all puddles of grief and sadness. I usually go out to sit and visit with dad at least once a week, sometimes once every 2 weeks. However, we realized that this was the first time my family had been there since dad's funeral!
July 17, 2011 I went to the mausoleum, not so much to mark the anniversary of my father's passing, but to mark the end of my year of "firsts". Now we move on to the year of "seconds".
**I want to add just a couple little side notes to this. First and foremost, thanks for reading! I know that everyone who experiences loss goes through their own year of "Firsts". I appreciate you taking the time to read about mine.
Second, I haven't been around here much lately. My daughter has been ill and we have been undergoing a battery of tests and doctor visits searching for a diagnosis. I hate to ask, but if you could please keep us in your thoughts, I would be eternally grateful! My sister and my mother both have been struggling with their own illnesses and, well, I have a feeling I am heading into another year of "Firsts". Maybe that's the way this cycle of what we call life goes.